Acts of Unmentionable Consequences
by How I Operate
Summary: What if Kurt dropped his phone at Harkin's house instead of Bobby Pellitt's phone? - MOVIE SPOILERS - Note: Explict cursing
1. Chapter 1

When Kurt and Nick saw Dale outside killing Dave Harkin, Nick's boss, they freaked out. They raced out of Harkin's house like their asses were on fire. Screw Dale, they thought, he's a murderer now.

On the way out of the bedroom, Kurt bumped into a chair, which caused his phone to fling out of his pocket. It slid quietly across the carpet and rested out of sight under the chair. Kurt didn't notice. He still had the weight of Bobby Pellitt's, his own boss, phone in his other pocket.

Trying to be quiet, but failing miserably, Nick and Kurt crashed down the stairs and through the hallways, dodging the cat which seemed to be everywhere at once, and eventually made it out the front door. They took off down the street on foot, leaving Dale alone with his kill.

They rounded a corner and slowed to a walk, then began talking as their nerves calmed down a bit.

"You realize we're all going to jail 'cause of that fucking idiot," Nick growled.

"I can't go to jail, look at me!" Kurt cried, looking down at himself. "I'll get raped like crazy!"

"Fuck," Nick whispered. "Me too," he said quickly.

Kurt looked at Nick up and down, checking him out.

"Yeah, totally," he said, unconvinced.

"I'd get raped just as much as you would," Nick told him.

"Oh no, I know you would. Of course you would." Kurt bobbed his head in agreement, though his tone remained unpersuaded.

"You think you're move rapable than I-?"

"Nick, Nick," Kurt interupted quickly, feeling Nick's anger building. "I'm not saying anything like that, I was just saying-"

Suddenly a car's tires squealed behind them.

"Oh, fuck!" Nick swore as they turned around.

But it was just Dale in Kurt's car. He sweved in next to the curb, and the car had barely been parked before Dale jumped out, laughing.

"Holy shit, did you guys see me out there?" He cried excitedly.

"Yeah, we saw you, Dale," Kurt said heatedly.

Dale pretended he had the pen and began stabbing the air.

"Yeah, we saw you," Nick repeated.

"How cool was that?" Dale's happy eyes were wide with adrenaline.

"That wasn't cool, at all!" Nick stepped up to him angrily.

Soon Dale explained himself, that Harkin was allergic to peanuts and Dale had to save his life. But his explanation pissed Nick off even more.

"My boss, who we're thinking about planning to kill, is dying in front of you and you save his life?" He demanded, his tone dangerously calm.

Dale's gleamy eyes faded. "That sounds bad when you say it like that, but..." he broke off as the other guys went past him to the car.

After locking Dale out of the car, Kurt and Nick sat in reasonable silence as they discussed what to do next.

Harkin: Plant peanuts in his shampoo so he'll have an allergic reaction and probably die.

Pellitt: Poison his cocane so he'll snort it up and probably die.

They had yet to stake out at Julia's house, which was what Kurt planned to do tomorrow night.

So they went shopping the next day. Dale, who planned to kill Nick's boss Harkin loaded up on peanuts, which just happened to be on sale. Kurt found some binoculars so he could spy on Dale's boss Julia. And Nick bought some rat poison so he could taint Kurt's boss Pellitt's supply of cocane.

They left the store, each in their own cars, and drove away to their designated boss's houses, planning to meet up at the bar when they had done their dirty deeds.

They waited out until it got dark, watching each house carefully for signs of movement.

Nick watched Bobby Pellitt send a couple prostitutes out of his home, one of which was possibly a cross-dresser.

Kurt watched Julia bend over dramatically to get the bags out of the trunk of her car before strolling inside the house.

Dale sat watching The Notebook in his car, until, startled back into reality, Harkin began flicking on the lights in his home.

Feeling lonely, Nick decided to call Kurt and see what was up.

Harkin left the closet after rooting through his wife's belongings. He went into the bedroom and paused as he heard a faint buzzing sound. His cat jumped out of nowhere and dove under the chair by the bed. Harkin knelt down and looked under the chair, his gut cringing with jealously as he saw a cell-phone. He reached under and snatched it away from the cat, who had begun pawing furiously at the phone.

"Give me that," Harkin hissed.

He straightened up and looked at the phone, unintentionally hanging up on the caller. He frowned and thumbed through the phone, finding the owner's information. Kurt Buckman, along with his address. Enraged that his wife would cheat on him with a man named Buckman, Harkin got his pistol out of the safe in his office and stormed out of the house.


	2. Chapter 2

A bit upset that Kurt didn't answer the phone, Nick tossed his phone into the cup-holder in his car and sat staring out the window, watching Pellitt as he did some strange karate-type shit in his living room.

Suddenly Harkin got in his car and sped out of the drive-way. Dale smashed his face down into the car door, trying to hide and also trying to watch as Harkin drove away. Once he was gone, Dale jumped out of the car and broke inside with almost impossible ease, a jar of peanuts in hand as he snuck through the house.

Soon the lights went out in Pellitt's home, and Nick stared down at the rat poison in his hands, wondering if he should do it or not. Then, resigned, he grabbed the door handle of his car. But suddenly his phone vibrated, and he gratefully sat back in his seat and answered it.

"Hello?"

"I don't think I can do this," Dale's voice said.

Dale sat in the shower stall in Harkin's bathroom with his knees up to his chest, one hand holding the phone to his ear and the other holding the jar of peanuts.

"I know you really hate Harkin, but... I don't think I can go through with it, man," Dale admitted regrettably.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Nick said quickly. "I know, I- I've been... I've been thinking the same thing."

"Yeah... I'm just... I'm just not a murderer," Dale went on, picking at the label on the peanuts' jar.

Nick looked in his lap at the rat poison, eyes sweeping over the warnings and hazard signs.

A silence fell between them before Nick spoke again.

"Are we backing out, then?" Nick asked.

"I guess, I mean, I don't know, man..." Dale said hesitantly. "I can't do it."

"Okay, yeah, it's fine..." Nick rubbed his face with his hand. "I'll... I'll try Kurt again and see what he wants to do."

"Okay, you do that. I'm gonna get the hell out of here," Dale replied, standing up and stumbling out of the shower.

"All right. Watch out for the cat," Nick added.

"I know, right? That thing is physco! Somehow it got trapped inside the shower, then when I opened the thing it-"

Nick hung up and scrolled through the phone to Kurt's number.

"Nick?" Dale looked at the phone then shrugged, putting it in his pocket. He got his nuts and left the house. Getting in his car, Dale picked up his DVD player and continued watching The Notebook, waiting for a call from Nick or Kurt to tell him what to do next.

Meanwhile, Kurt was having some pretty vulgar sex with Julia. He would later say that she invited him in for sex, which was a fairly accurate statement: Julia was a slut.

Harkin, still driving down the road, looked at Kurt's phone as it began vibrating again. When he saw that it was Nick Hendricks calling, an overwhelming rage boiled in his stomach. He pulled the car into Kurt's driveway and sat staring at the phone, at the goofy face Nick was making for his caller ID picture.

"You're so dead, Hendricks," Harkin scoffed to himself, eyeing the pistol resting on the passenger seat. He watched as Kurt's phone flashed then went silent, showing quietly on the screen that he had two missed calls.

Dave Harkin sat in Kurt's driveway and stewed inwardly with anger, determined to wait for as long as necessary.

Nick, growing weary, called Dale back and told him to go ahead and go to the bar, that Kurt knew to meet them there.

At the bar, Nick sat and nursed on a beer by himself, worry gnawing into his guts. Soon Dale showed up, waving at him from across the bar. Nick waved him over discretely and Dale came and sat down across from him.

"Hey man, long time no see, huh?" Dale said automatically.

"I'm worried about Kurt," Nick said in a low voice.

"Why?" Dale asked.

"He hasn't been answering his phone," Nick glanced over his shoulder, feeling like he was being watched.

"What? Don't worry about it, I'm sure he's fine. His phone probably just died or he lost it up his ass or something. Look, he has Pellitt's phone, right? If he gets in trouble or something he can call us with that. No biggie."

Nick stared dumbly at him for a moment.

"Have you been snorting cocane again?" Nick asked after a moment.

"No, man. That shit's illegal. I'm not a criminal, obviously. Can't even kill another dude's boss, I mean, come on." Dale shrugged.

Nick shook his head in disbelief.

"Shouldn't we at least drive by Julia's and see if his car's still there?" Nick asked.

"Nick, relax. Julia's a whore, I'll give her that much, but she's not dangerous, I don't think," Dale told him.

"You don't think?" Nick glared at Dale.

"Yeah, no, I don't think." Dale nodded.

Nick narrowed his eyes. "Fuck this." He stood up.

"Hey, man, where you going?" Kurt appeared behind him. Nick whirled around.

"Kurt, what the fuck, where's your phone?" Nick demanded.

Kurt frowned. "My phone?" He stuck his hands in his pockets. He pulled out Pellitt's. "Oh..." he looked down at Pellitt's phone, his face scrunched up. "Must've left it in the car or something."

"I've been trying to call you for the past half hour," Nick growled.

"Okay, sorry, I didn't realize I was your bitch," Kurt said darkly. "Jesus, can't go anywhere without mommy riding my ass." He sat down at the table and pouted like a child.

Nick sat back down. "I was just worried about you, okay?" He said, his tone softening.

Kurt looked him up and down. "Yeah, okay," he said apologetically.

"So did you get Julia?" Dale asked suddenly.

"I got her in the bedroom with the lead pipe," Kurt said, grinning.

"Family Guy!" Dale burst out.

"Yeah!" Kurt and Dale slapped hands.

"Are you saying you slept with her?" Nick asked thinly.

"Yeah..." Kurt looked at Dale. "I don't think I can kill her, not any more anyway."

"You fucking pig," Nick shook his head disapprovingly.

"I'm telling you man, she was asking for it," Kurt defended himself. "It's like she knew I was watching her."

He went on with gloriously crude details on how and with what Julia was taunting him.

"That's not a proper meal," Kurt finished, shaking his head.

"Cold to hot." Nick shrugged.

"I couldn't kill Harkin," Dale said suddenly.

Kurt looked at him oddly.

Nick sighed and crossed his arms.

"Yeah, I- I couldn't kill Pellitt, either," he admitted dryly.

"What?" Kurt looked at them in turn. "So we're just gonna give up on this whole thing?"

Dale looked down. Nick shrugged his shoulders.

"Sure, we had it all planned out and everything but, come on, murder? That's pretty extreme for a couple of horrible bosses, don't you think?"

"A few," Nick put in.

"What?"

"A few horrible bosses, not a couple."

"Whatever man, I'm just saying." Dale looked to Kurt for support.

Kurt shifted his feet.

"Well, what about Mother Fucker Jones?" He wondered.


End file.
